I Am My Own Abuser-Winter 2010

•March 24, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I Am My Own Abuser-Winter 2010.


I Am My Own Abuser-Winter 2010

•March 24, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I’m burning with nervous, weeping with regret, memories hard to forget, feelings of confusion sweep my mind, looking for where I’m supposed to be and cannot find. Tell me, someone give me a sign, I just need some direction and I’ll be fine. If I had all the answers, I’d still ask all the questions. My muscles ache with tension. In and out of commission, love life’s on suspension. God must have a plan for me, I know, but the map gives me all sorts of routes to go. Decisions, decisions, they drive me crazy, my head spins around so fast, gets my vision all hazy, makes me all dizzy. Ground me, tie me down, ‘cuz what’s the use, torn with my own emotional abuse. Walking around with a smile, reasons, and strength, I can’t help to break down when I’m aware it’s all fake. Painful stakes, provide me with insight, melt my anger, show me what’s right. The recent past feels like a dream, a moment in passing, a quiet scream. What was it all for, just wasted time? A reason to rhyme? Nothing worth more than a dime? But seriously I’m fine.
This goes deeper than events, people, and things. Deeper than what artists even sing. I’m losing my mind, cant forward and don’t want to rewind. So instead I hide. Shiver underneath the coffee table all cold; take me apart and who knows what you’ll unfold. A paused DVD does not make a sound. Much like my madness because I’ve buried it to the ground. Unleash it and you’ll see, a side of me that you never thought would be. You sit there and judge me without a hint at all, about who I am, or where I fall. Along the spectrum, you categorize me, you pick me a spot under strangely crazy. I have feelings too which you can see, when my hard exterior is thin and free. My warning label scares you but I can be rich in compassion, just a little sarcastic, compressors to my heart, but I’m not at all drastic.

Highschool Never Ends…

•March 24, 2013 • Leave a Comment

You know how Shakespeare once said “The world is a stage”? Or something like that… Well… he really knew what he was talking about. A man of genius. Today I spent 9.5 hours at the retail optical store I work at a couple of times a month to only witness everything that is wrong in this world…simply in those 9 hours. Truly, what baffles me the most in life is human behavior, including my own. We really are all actors/actresses playing several different roles and being several different characters. No one ever really knows who you are underneath. But more importantly…we lose so much value that can potentially come out of human relationships.

During my lunch break a fellow coworker, who I get along with decently, expressed to me her issues with other staff and management. I listened, all her complaints seemed valid. She supported them quite well. Later in the day I heard further complaints, particularly complaints about the complaints that they hear from others. All it is is more drama about the drama. Seriously, it is as if high school has never ended. And the saddest part of it all is that we all range in adult ages from 23 to 50! That’s mad! When I say my human behavior is included in the criticism of other human behavior, it is because I am sitting here, judging everyone else as well, while they do the same but just find different methods in doing so (they choose gossip, I choose blogging). At the end of the day everyone is judging and not a single person is looking to gain any insight on themselves. “What can I do differently?” “What worked in my approach, what did not work?” “How can I modify the way I handled the situation? What can I do”. Everyone is so ready to point the finger at the other person because everyone is too scared and has too much pride to look at their own reflection. Frankly…other people’s actions and reactions are simply correlated with who we are when we are with that person. We very often fail to see this because we never want to take responsibility for our actions….

As you can see this stems deeper than just in an average retail store in the middle of the mall…this is happening everywhere in our lives, the WORLD is our stage. We choose to always fall victims of drama because victims are typically the good guys, the protagonist, and we, as humans, want to be the star. Let’s face it, we live in a self revolving life by default, we are with ourselves more than we are with anyone else and we can never escape it. Perhaps I digress a little bit…but seriously, it is pretty ridiculous how we are creators of drama as well as reactors to it. RE-ACTORS (if you break it apart). We are acting and acting and acting…reflection is what is missing from the equation…seeking out what really matters….seeking out resolutions and solutions. All we have in this world is our relationships with people because life would be nonliving if it did not consist of humans. A lot of people tell me I am too nice…which I will save for another blog…but to make it brief…I am told I am “too nice” or “i like everyone”. Really what it is is that I find value in the human race, and yes I do give most people the benefit of the doubt, I do play devil’s advocate quite a bit, but all for a real reason. Not because I am naive or a people pleaser…but because I truly find value in humans because I find value in me, how can I be a person of value if I cannot value all other people, strangers or non strangers. I would have to call myself worthless if I am unable to respect all other human beings. I am NOT worthless.

Welcoming Myself

•November 7, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Hello World,

A random thought occurred to me while using the washroom at Chipotle Mexican Grill: “Why is it that I do not have a blog? I have so many things to say and share with the world. Today, I am creating a blog”. And so I did. Which is good, because usually I fail at following through with all the ambitious ideas I come up with for myself. (Yes, blogging is ambitious of me). Well, here I am, a blogger, welcoming myself to the blog world!!