I Am My Own Abuser-Winter 2010

I’m burning with nervous, weeping with regret, memories hard to forget, feelings of confusion sweep my mind, looking for where I’m supposed to be and cannot find. Tell me, someone give me a sign, I just need some direction and I’ll be fine. If I had all the answers, I’d still ask all the questions. My muscles ache with tension. In and out of commission, love life’s on suspension. God must have a plan for me, I know, but the map gives me all sorts of routes to go. Decisions, decisions, they drive me crazy, my head spins around so fast, gets my vision all hazy, makes me all dizzy. Ground me, tie me down, ‘cuz what’s the use, torn with my own emotional abuse. Walking around with a smile, reasons, and strength, I can’t help to break down when I’m aware it’s all fake. Painful stakes, provide me with insight, melt my anger, show me what’s right. The recent past feels like a dream, a moment in passing, a quiet scream. What was it all for, just wasted time? A reason to rhyme? Nothing worth more than a dime? But seriously I’m fine.
This goes deeper than events, people, and things. Deeper than what artists even sing. I’m losing my mind, cant forward and don’t want to rewind. So instead I hide. Shiver underneath the coffee table all cold; take me apart and who knows what you’ll unfold. A paused DVD does not make a sound. Much like my madness because I’ve buried it to the ground. Unleash it and you’ll see, a side of me that you never thought would be. You sit there and judge me without a hint at all, about who I am, or where I fall. Along the spectrum, you categorize me, you pick me a spot under strangely crazy. I have feelings too which you can see, when my hard exterior is thin and free. My warning label scares you but I can be rich in compassion, just a little sarcastic, compressors to my heart, but I’m not at all drastic.


~ by urherow on March 24, 2013.

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